Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
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Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
79.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*