[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
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yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
The symmetry is uncanny.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.