[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
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Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
seems fine
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭