if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors