alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.