kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
