My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
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O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.