Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
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*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*