Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
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I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Happens to everyone.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.