Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
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There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie