You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.