Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.