Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
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Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.