gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
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The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
favorite tropes as memes
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Science memes
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?