HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
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I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing