friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
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Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?