For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
You Might Also Like
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
hi why am I like this
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener