if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.