i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*
(grounding my kid) go outside.
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.