I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
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Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men