*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
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Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
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Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing