hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
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peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
TODAY
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Tell the colonel to bring it
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.