[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
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I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I have a type: disappointing
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Same pineapple, same
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”