Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.