Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
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I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer