@PFitzpa

Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.

@PFitzpa

I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.

@PFitzpa

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.

@PFitzpa

I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.

@PFitzpa

Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.

@PFitzpa

Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”

@PFitzpa

My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.

@PFitzpa

I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.

@PFitzpa

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.