I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
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My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.