My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”
I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.