People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
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I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you