Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
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shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.