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self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]