@Papa_Mex

Me? Yes, of course I have feelings! Last Sunday, for example, I dropped a piece of bacon on the floor. I just stared and cried for 18 mins

@Papa_Mex

-I’m just gonna have 1 drink before dinner
-I’m just gonna have 1 drink with dinner
-I’m just gnna hav 1 aftdinr drk
-I pishd ma pnts gen

@Papa_Mex

I bet Vegans that become zombies must really struggle with the whole brain-eating lifestyle…

@Papa_Mex

Either the dude in the bathroom was having a surprise birth, or he needs to eat a LOT less hay in his diet….

@Papa_Mex

On the way in a fox ran across the road ahead of me…I slowed down pretty quick cuz i knew a bunch of English dudes on horses were next…

@Papa_Mex

Wow some neighbors really freak out when they wake up on a Sunday morning and find me making myself some pancakes in their kitchen

@Papa_Mex

The sonogram of your baby looks awesome!* So clear!** And he looks happy!***

*Creepy
**Is it a human?
***I think you’re having a racoon

@Papa_Mex

When a coworker pisses me off, I like to write his name down for 23 boxes of girl scout cookies on the form in the break room

@Papa_Mex

You think Minnie Mouse ever got drunk & decided to bang Goofy after a Disney mixer?

-Was the last time my boss asked me for my thoughts

@Papa_Mex

But baby, if you didn’t want me climbing in your window, why’d you leave the ladder in the garage behind the workbench chained to the beam?