[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
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writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
R.I.P.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating