Me? Yes, of course I have feelings! Last Sunday, for example, I dropped a piece of bacon on the floor. I just stared and cried for 18 mins
-I’m just gonna have 1 drink before dinner
-I’m just gonna have 1 drink with dinner
-I’m just gnna hav 1 aftdinr drk
-I pishd ma pnts gen
I bet Vegans that become zombies must really struggle with the whole brain-eating lifestyle…
Either the dude in the bathroom was having a surprise birth, or he needs to eat a LOT less hay in his diet….
On the way in a fox ran across the road ahead of me…I slowed down pretty quick cuz i knew a bunch of English dudes on horses were next…
Wow some neighbors really freak out when they wake up on a Sunday morning and find me making myself some pancakes in their kitchen
The sonogram of your baby looks awesome!* So clear!** And he looks happy!***
**Is it a human?
***I think you’re having a racoon
When a coworker pisses me off, I like to write his name down for 23 boxes of girl scout cookies on the form in the break room
You think Minnie Mouse ever got drunk & decided to bang Goofy after a Disney mixer?
-Was the last time my boss asked me for my thoughts
But baby, if you didn’t want me climbing in your window, why’d you leave the ladder in the garage behind the workbench chained to the beam?