as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview