Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel