Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
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“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.