Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling