“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.