A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.