@Parentpains

The only standards I have in life are about the quality of alcohol I consume, and even that gets sketchy after about 5 drinks.

@Parentpains

My wife is acting like giving me the silent treatment for four days is a bad thing.

@Parentpains

I think it’s just about time to sit my 9yr old down and give her the “Your mom is a pyscho and you’re probably gonna end up one too” speech.

@Parentpains

Some of you change your avi like I change my underwear. Every three days.

@Parentpains

Weird, my coworker has bragged all day about his pending vacation and now his headlights have kicked themselves in.

@Parentpains

This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.

@Parentpains

I don’t make spelling and grammatical errors I invent new languages. You ignorant Count.

@Parentpains

And I thought I had issues. – Me, 36 seconds after signing up on twitter.

@Parentpains

My wife is a psycho, this tweet isn’t a joke its a cry for help.