I think long & hard before using innuendo.
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I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Godspeed, John Glenn
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
What is going on? 😅
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.