When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
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(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.