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Page of Parkerlawyer's best tweets

@Parkerlawyer : My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”

*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*

Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “...and really bad at math.”

@Parkerlawyer: Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”

Me, “Please...I have a family.”

@Parkerlawyer: My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.

If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.

@Parkerlawyer: *tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

@Parkerlawyer: “Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.

@Parkerlawyer: Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”

Me, “Continue?”

@Parkerlawyer: Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.

Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”

@Parkerlawyer: I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.

Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.

Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!

@Parkerlawyer: I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.

@Parkerlawyer: Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.

“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”