@Parkerlawyer

A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”

@Parkerlawyer

I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.

@Parkerlawyer

At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.

@Parkerlawyer

At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.

This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.

@Parkerlawyer

My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.

@Parkerlawyer

Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”

@Parkerlawyer

You guys my adult daughter bought alcohol popsicles and thank goodness I caught it just in the nick of time because my 12 year old almost had the most epic birthday party ever and I would have been arrested for contributing to the delinquency of a bunch of minors.

@Parkerlawyer

My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”

I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS

@Parkerlawyer

My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”

Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”

@Parkerlawyer

If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…

My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.