“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
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Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Festive toon…
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.