If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
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Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class