I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
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Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.