i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
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Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
This probably isn’t good
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
A completely valid reaction tbh
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Dear Lord..
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.