My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
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taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
The French word for sex is croissant.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
When your man makes a valid point
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”