Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.