I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
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[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?