*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.