I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.