help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
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When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.